IV. When Your Integrity is Shaken Up.

Have you ever felt like you really don't belong somewhere? I mean literally, walked around in the midst of people who try to pretend that they don't look down on you and judge you for your differences (which, by the way are merely harmless differences)? Have you ever felt so much like the "outcast" that you question your presence then and there, and wonder why God put you in such a place with such people, then you feel bad because you know it's wrong that you're questioning your fate? Has it ever gotten so bad that you physically felt your integrity shaken up? Yes. Yes. And YES. And BELIEVE me when I say the pain is physical.

To give you a little insight, I grew up in very diverse communities (socially, school-wise, and family-wise.) On top of all that, my parents were always careful to make sure my siblings and I mingled with all types of people from all walks of life with different customs, beliefs, morals, etc. And it's something they stress until now- that I should never pass an opportunity to experience something new by meeting someone new. Why? Because that's the only way I'll ever truly be "exposed", fully experienced, the only way I can learn how to deal with all types of people, the only way I can become a better person by learning from people's good and avoiding their bad traits.

So when life took its course, I ended up here in KAAU. Call it irony, call it strange luck, call it a mistake, call it whatever you want to call it, from day one until today all I will call it is destiny. But if there's one thing I've learned in this place, it's that just when you think you've dealt with all types of people, you will be proven otherwise. You will meet a group of people that you never knew existed. To put it bluntly, never in my life have I had to deal with people like those with me in college at the moment. It's a crazy world in there, and it scares the guts out of me sometimes. A thought that crosses my mind very often, but I'm still in denial over, is that this is the "real world". Could it be, that ironically, after years of being exposed to people from everywhere, living in different communities, only when I entered university did I actually face the real world? I truly hope not!

You're probably wondering what goes on behind those walls that makes me feel that way. Well, for my sanity's sake, I won't get into details. But I'll tell you this. In university, I've had to deal with people who over and over and over again prove to me that their morals and standards are nothing like yours. Yes, we're all Muslims (il7amdillah), and you'd expect that we all have solid moral guidelines to follow, but it's nothing like that. To me, Islam consists of being honest to myself and to others, and I would NEVER backstab a fellow colleague or friend or anyone for that matter (yes, even if the person had done it to me). But they have shown me otherwise. To me, Islam does not prohibit a person from being outspoken and standing up for what they believe in, and working for what they want rather than simply complaining about it and doing nothing when they're given a solution. They have shown me otherwise. To me, I would never judge a fellow Muslim simply because she is "different" or her views on life differ from mine, or look down on her for that matter. They have been doing that to me and my friends for God knows how long (apparently we're the "isolated" group who are in a whole different world.) To me, it's not wrong to speak to male professors simply because they're men because they deserve the same amount of respect that we are giving our female professors. They seem to think otherwise.

Personally, I've put up with a lot since I entered this university, but today something happened that hit me hard. Something that would shake any human being's integrity. A classmate opened up to Classy and me and made it clear that most of our class look at us as the "outcasts". She basically told us that our differences make it hard for them to "accept" us as being just like everyone else.

Honestly, I still don't know what to say. What do I think about this whole thing? I'm still speechless. I'm shocked. I'm in awe. I began questioning my actions- when was I ever rude or mean to anyone? When did I ever give them the impression that I don't "want" them? When did I ever judge them solely on the fact that their way of living, their beliefs, or their morals differ from mine? When did I ever look down on them the way they clearly look down on me and my friends? Is this Islam? Am I the one doing it all wrong? After thinking all that, a tiny little voice inside me told me not to let it get to me. I've given them the benefit of the doubt even after they hit me hard by backstabbing me. I blamed my paranoia when I assumed that they were treating me differently simply because I seem like the "different" one. Did they deserve it in the end? As hard as it is to say this, I can't say they didn't, because everyone deserves a chance. But I will say that I know better now. I will be more cautious when I'm dealing with them, more aware. But I'm not willing to change. Not for them.

It's a strange world, one which shocks you just when you think you've almost figured it out. And people? Wow. Human nature is a mess, isn't it?

Savvy Doc.